His Love Makes All the Difference: A Testimony
HIs Love Makes All The Difference: A Testimony
How often do you think about the love of God? I mean really take a beat, and ponder how it can be true that a perfect God, who created the universe, would take delight in us? It’s quite unbelievable, really; and for me, that was the problem.
I grew up believing that I wasn’t beautiful, or worthy of love. There were terrible things I endured, words that cut deeply, and lies that were constantly reinforced. The wonderful thing is that the Lord saw me, and saved me at the age of 18, just before I started out in the “real world”, a time where most people are just discovering who they are. Gratefully for me, God intervened before the “real world” could lead me deeper into deception. I still had a lot of pain that needed healing, and enough unspeakable experiences that shaped me, that God would soon address. I look back and remember the extreme self-hatred, fear, shame, and insecurity that ruled in my heart. I grieve for my younger self, because she was so blind to the love of God.
My particular wounding had much to do with my appearance and my performance. I would do all the right things to “get better”. I prayed. I read scripture over myself. I read self-help books. I went to therapy. I answered many an altar call. Those things helped, but I still couldn’t stomach myself. I still had a relentless voice in my head, “Who do you think you are?”. We all have insecurities at times, but this was more than that. This was a gnawing of disgust, a desperate desire to be freed from this body, a sickening “trapped” feeling was with me nearly every day. This was my internal reality that very few people knew much about. Despite having given my life to Jesus, I lived under intense mental torment for years.
It wasn’t until I was 28 that I finally had enough. I knew the author of my pain, and though I was terrified, I was ready to confront him. At that time, God was doing many miraculous works concerning deliverance in our church, which gave me the courage to ask for freedom. In a time of prayer, my dear brothers and sisters fought for me, while God graciously met with me.
It was beautiful. It broke me. In an instant, I saw a vision of Jesus, weeping. He wept out of compassion, because He cared so deeply. He also wept because I had hurt Him. I had been rejecting His love for me, the very love that sent Him to the cross! Can you imagine? Loving someone enough to die gruesomely for them, only to have them doubt your intentions? I tell you, when He shared the pain He felt with me, the pain I had caused, it was a heart-breaking revelation. I now understood Paul’s words in Romans 2 in a new light, it is indeed His kindness that leads us to repentance because repentance was my immediate response to His tears for me. I had focused so much on the injustices done to me, the wounds I kept nurturing, that I completely neglected to see my own sin; my unbelief! My pain was rooted in unbelief! The enemy saw that open door, and created a stronghold; but the love of God, the revelation of the love of God delivered me in a moment! The love of God makes all the difference! I was free! Then in His lavish and extravagant way, He opened my ears to audibly hear music from heaven, an added gift to seal one of the most defining meetings with God in my life so far.
Today, I still am tempted to believe lies, to submit to intrusive thoughts, but God says to resist the Devil and he will flee! God tells us to take every thought captive, and gives us the strength to not give in to temptation. There is a “walking out” of this freedom. It was given, but it also must be maintained. Even when insecurity creeps in, it is still night and day compared to the torment I was under before. I don’t feel enslaved or trapped, unable to escape. When I fall into the “old-man’s pattern”, I don’t stay down for long because I have tasted and seen the goodness of God!
If you don’t see yourself rightly, and you struggle with insecurity, let me encourage you to ask Him for greater revelation of His love for you. There is no Christian too mature or too experienced to not be brought to his or her knees at the love of God. It is a constant revelation; we shall never grow bored with it. Ask for faith to believe that He really is delighted with you. Stay fixated on His love, for it truly makes all the difference!
-Hunter Smith
November 3, 2021
How often do you think about the love of God? I mean really take a beat, and ponder how it can be true that a perfect God, who created the universe, would take delight in us? It’s quite unbelievable, really; and for me, that was the problem.
I grew up believing that I wasn’t beautiful, or worthy of love. There were terrible things I endured, words that cut deeply, and lies that were constantly reinforced. The wonderful thing is that the Lord saw me, and saved me at the age of 18, just before I started out in the “real world”, a time where most people are just discovering who they are. Gratefully for me, God intervened before the “real world” could lead me deeper into deception. I still had a lot of pain that needed healing, and enough unspeakable experiences that shaped me, that God would soon address. I look back and remember the extreme self-hatred, fear, shame, and insecurity that ruled in my heart. I grieve for my younger self, because she was so blind to the love of God.
My particular wounding had much to do with my appearance and my performance. I would do all the right things to “get better”. I prayed. I read scripture over myself. I read self-help books. I went to therapy. I answered many an altar call. Those things helped, but I still couldn’t stomach myself. I still had a relentless voice in my head, “Who do you think you are?”. We all have insecurities at times, but this was more than that. This was a gnawing of disgust, a desperate desire to be freed from this body, a sickening “trapped” feeling was with me nearly every day. This was my internal reality that very few people knew much about. Despite having given my life to Jesus, I lived under intense mental torment for years.
It wasn’t until I was 28 that I finally had enough. I knew the author of my pain, and though I was terrified, I was ready to confront him. At that time, God was doing many miraculous works concerning deliverance in our church, which gave me the courage to ask for freedom. In a time of prayer, my dear brothers and sisters fought for me, while God graciously met with me.
It was beautiful. It broke me. In an instant, I saw a vision of Jesus, weeping. He wept out of compassion, because He cared so deeply. He also wept because I had hurt Him. I had been rejecting His love for me, the very love that sent Him to the cross! Can you imagine? Loving someone enough to die gruesomely for them, only to have them doubt your intentions? I tell you, when He shared the pain He felt with me, the pain I had caused, it was a heart-breaking revelation. I now understood Paul’s words in Romans 2 in a new light, it is indeed His kindness that leads us to repentance because repentance was my immediate response to His tears for me. I had focused so much on the injustices done to me, the wounds I kept nurturing, that I completely neglected to see my own sin; my unbelief! My pain was rooted in unbelief! The enemy saw that open door, and created a stronghold; but the love of God, the revelation of the love of God delivered me in a moment! The love of God makes all the difference! I was free! Then in His lavish and extravagant way, He opened my ears to audibly hear music from heaven, an added gift to seal one of the most defining meetings with God in my life so far.
Today, I still am tempted to believe lies, to submit to intrusive thoughts, but God says to resist the Devil and he will flee! God tells us to take every thought captive, and gives us the strength to not give in to temptation. There is a “walking out” of this freedom. It was given, but it also must be maintained. Even when insecurity creeps in, it is still night and day compared to the torment I was under before. I don’t feel enslaved or trapped, unable to escape. When I fall into the “old-man’s pattern”, I don’t stay down for long because I have tasted and seen the goodness of God!
If you don’t see yourself rightly, and you struggle with insecurity, let me encourage you to ask Him for greater revelation of His love for you. There is no Christian too mature or too experienced to not be brought to his or her knees at the love of God. It is a constant revelation; we shall never grow bored with it. Ask for faith to believe that He really is delighted with you. Stay fixated on His love, for it truly makes all the difference!
-Hunter Smith
November 3, 2021
Recent
Archive
2022
March
But Do You Know His Heart?When God Gets in the WayMended with GoldYoung WarriorsRepentance and BaptismThe Trap of ComparisonCleanses from Dead WorksHeavenManna No MoreDon't Miss What God is DoingI Stand at the Door and KnockLovesickSeek WisdomPrescription for a Forgetful HeartImagine This Story...Give Him EverythingHopeRahab and IttaiObedienceHis Love Makes All the Difference: A TestimonyPromisesTruth and FeelingsCount the CostKeep WatchNew Year, New YouNot Me, But HimReflectionA Good BossTo Know the Love of ChristDon't Be Stuck, Be Trained Up
July
August
September
Categories
no categories
No Comments